My recent Dr visit..

Just recently i had the grand opportunity to get my annual physical.  Annual?  Should be more like every 6 years as this is the last time i have been to the doctors.  Having 0 insurance prior to marriage (im an independent consultant.. yes i am fancy), i am now on my wife's which allows me to only use Dr's that are in the hospital network in which she works at.  I decided that, with the baby coming, it would be a good idea to get a physical to make sure that im in bad ass shape for my precious gift.  I pick a Dr, make an appointment, arrive at the place, fill out 17 pages of paperwork and here we go.. 



I sit down in the room.  The nurse comes over and takes my blood pressure. They have this cool new machine that like just does it all for you.  Every office may have this now. What do i know!  Even nurses are being taken over by machines, i think, as the machine begins to squeeze my arm.  I make a joke to the nurse, she was older and no i was not flirting.  She has no response and probably thought in her head 'oh another jokester'.  Then she yells at me telling me to not talk because the machine that is taking my blood pressure may get a bad reading.  Hmm.. i think perhaps nurses will not be taken over by machines.  Bad reading? 


She asks me your standard questions.  Any allergies. I say, "yes.  flowers, dust, etc" and i giggle internally.  She looks at me with a straight face and says "To medicine?".  I embarrassingly say "oh..um no", as i realize that she either gets this stupid response all the time or is just not in the mood.  Regardless, i am bombing miserably. She leaves to get the Dr.  She probably put a little check mark in my chart like Elaine from Seinfeld.  Now i am thinking it is already time to change doctors!


I sit on the table or whatever you call that thing.  Its never in a comfortable position where you can lounge back as you wait 45 minutes for the Dr to come and see you for 47 seconds.  Instead you have to sit on the uncomfortable part of the chair/table thing on wax paper as if you are going to be baked.  

As I wait, i look around the room and see the usual drug advertisements for high blood pressure and high cholesterol, as well as the cool body part pieces that can break apart like toys that is sitting on the table next to me.  Everything thing in this room is saying that i am going to die!  How is this helping my cause for being here which is just a simple checkup!!  UGHHHH


I relax as the Dr walks in.  Nice man; I'd say mid-40s.  I notice he is wearing a yamaka on his head which would stereo-typically ensure that he is a Jewish man but i don't believe in stereotypes.  I noticed that there were a few patients walking around and in the waiting room with yamakas on as well.  So now i am thinking 'Am I in a Jewish-only doctors office' as if there is such a thing.  Then i start to get paranoid thinking the Dr is assuming that i am Jewish due to my last name.  He is going to find out I am not a Jew and misdiagnose me with something!  This is all going on in my head within the first 10 seconds of meeting this guy!  


I say hello and go to shake his hand. He says with a straight face "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" and proceeds to wash his hands.  'Oh boy' is all im thinking.  He attempts to dry his hands which are still a little wet and shakes my hand. Nothing worse than shaking somebody's hand who just washed their hands. Sure.. it is clean and nice but it is never fully dry.  YUCK!  


The Dr goes over to my chart, my empty chart i may add, and tries to pronounce my name.  I almost said the following "It's Bart-a-shev-itz.  You know, like the wine, Manishewitz", but i refrained and simply said "Bart-a-Shevitz".  He asked my nationality.  I told him i not Jewish and that i am polish and Italian. Ok i did not say the Jewish part but of course i was thinking it.  

He looks at me and asks my age. I tell him 33. I seriously thought he was going to have a heart attack. I say "judging by your reaction I am not sure if its a good or bad thing".  He says "You look 10 years younger. How do you do it?"  


After teaching him my secrets to staying young, we get to business.  After reading my 17 pages of forms that i had to fill out just prior to seeing him, he questions me about my family history of diabetes and heart disease. "oh great", i think "here we go".  I get a 10 minute lecture about dieting and exercising. I tell him that i workout like a crack addict looking for crack and actually name dropped Krank Systems, as if he has heard of it (like the shameless plug too).  I also tell him that i am doing the ABC (Ava Bart Challenge) which curbs my alcohol consumption completely until the baby is born.  My news is like music to his ears.  He goes on and on about how good this is for me. In my head i am thinking about what workout we will be doing later on in the day. I know this is good for me jackass.. this is why i do it!


Next up, he tells me to open my mouth.  He looks in there and sees my little punching bag dangling as it watches over my throat.  He then takes his stethoscope and does that thing where he makes me breathe deep and he listens. I am always wondering if he is actually really listening to anything or is the stethoscope actually headphones from Brookstone that are connected to his iPod.  He then tells me to lay down on my back.  "Shit" 

Now when a Dr tells you to lay down on my back, its always uncomfortable.  You dont know where he is going with this.  My old Doctor used to give me massages. We can save that for another time.  Ok, so i am laying down on my back.  My shoes are off and my feet are hanging off the chair/table (whatever you call that thing).  He begins to touch my feet in a very strange way. At first, i am thinking that he touched my foot and then forgot what to do next.  I wasn't sure. Then i had a realization that he is checking for swelling around my feet, I think.  I never did figure that one out and i was certainly afraid to ask. 



After my "foot massage", he starts to play drums on my stomach.  Did your doctor ever do this to you, or am i the only patient that looks a percussion instrument?  He gives it a couple light knocks and then looks confused. I think "Ok, ive had stomach issues before.  He hears cancer" but before i could think of anything worse he just simply walks away and gets a box that looks like this:

"Christ on a pony" is what i thought i said to myself but i think i mumbled it out loud instead.  

Figuratively and literally!

Now when you goto a dr and he puts on a pair of gloves, and you are a male, this can only mean 2 things; 1 - that you will be getting finger raped from behind; or 2 - you will be getting hand raped from the front.  Well kids, i can certainly say that i was lucky this time and i was not finger raped.  Instead,  the dr wanted to show me how to self test myself for testicular cancer.  "Yaaaaaayy me".  In a situation like this i would usually try to use my wit and make a silly joke, but i did not.  I was going to say the typical "Hey, we just met" or "On the first date?" but i decided against it. Instead i said, "Once you got the gloves i knew i was in trouble".  He just smiled and proceeded to do what he was about to do.  


He tells me to pull down my pants and the "pants underneath".  So i did.  For any man who is reading this they will feel how i feel but will never admit it.  When in panic, the male genitalia gets frightened as well and shrivels into a miniature turtle afraid of its shadow.  Well kids that was definitely what happened that day. Am i excited that i got to almost 3rd base on my first date with the Dr? ..hell no!  Was i a little embarrassed that i was sporting something equivalent to the Chinese man in the Hangover, YESS!  Regardless, it is all over with. He showed me how to test for testicular cancer, something that i believe i learned in high school and we were done. I almost said "I showed you mine.  You don't show me yours?", but i thought that would be a bit inappropriate and would definitely get a check mark in my file (if one wasn't already in there..dam nurse).  


I zipped up with a smile and walked tall and proud out of that office that day.  This morning i gave 3 vials of blood to test for i-dont-have-a-clue.  Let's just hope i am A-OK.  Otherwise, next up "Diagnosis".